happy at 21

i caught sight of the way. bona fide happiness indeed. something no one can't take away. :)
i couldn't squeeze anything out of me but gratitude.
5 days to go before i turn 21. i met my deadline!

no more tears. just SUSPENSE! i love myself :)

1233333

My dwelling has an insufficient stock of love. This scarcity has caused me
to respond relentlessly to everything, everyone around me. So i
unhesitatingly decided to blame whoever. I remember saying "..just being
you means you still grumble about thesame things for thesame acounts.." Ok
fine I take that back. You can be you, even if you change, you are still
you. But even if you do change, you should not make waves with the fact
that people won't change their minds. Especially if at one point you hurt
them. No matter how you swear and kneel and cry, if they won't believe
you, they just won't.

I remember the day I got my heart broken. The day started out fine. I was
on my way to my best friend's house since things between me and my
ex-boyfriend was getting really confusing. COnfusing by choice. Confusing
by choice because it was right infront of me, I just didn't take it into
gospel. I didn't believe anybody, even myself, even if it the cutting,
nasty "evidences" was right there infront of my pretty but then stupid
face. We've all been here. We grumble until we get a confession that we
wish would turn out to "no. I'm not cheating on you. I love you.". But
unfortunately for some us, they do say "yes.I'm cheating on you. I don't
love you anymore". Talk about the art of plasticity.. gaaaaaahhh!!! So I
got the confession I "wanted". Then started crying and crying and saying
stupid things that up until now my friends and I would laugh at (but at
the back of my mind I wanna murder myself for saying those things).
Looking back at that day, the day i got my heart broken for the first
time, I feel emptiness, It didn't leave a bruise, who I was before that
day and until now is still thesame. After that I thought there was a bulk
of diversity, that my soul drove to another road. Did I really change?


Love has done wonders to me. Weh, No... haha. It did shit to me like the
day I learned to ride a bike. Love left a bitter taste in my mouth just
like how dark chocolate did, but I still came back for another bite.
Love is indeed the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. I felt so
dumb and mad. So there I was, heart broken and pregnant, no parents no
family, not to mention no booze, no nothing. And it was hard to move on. I hate moving on. And i swore I'd never get my heart broken again.


Until the day came that I got my heart broken again. He started out as someone who I'd date just because. Until I fell. And you know what happens when you fall and where you fall. You fall into a pit of stupid slime and goo in a spiral manner. Everything went wrong but everything still felt like it was meant to be. This time it hit me hard in the head. Like really hard. I needed some kind of anesthetic so I won't feel this soring discomfort of losing him. And of losing our friends. Nobody was siding with anybody, It was not that. It's just that somebody had to stay away. Unfortunately, again, it had to be me. We couldn't be together in one group anymore. He would say bitch jokes too much and I'd backfire. And we were shooting each other with words, not harsh but still we had this silent campaign against each other. Literally, silent. We never talked about it. We didn't feel the agony of the "push and pull" theatrical piece and the forced tear-jerker moments. The day it was over, it was over. For him atleast.


Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.

phbt

im updating this so moli has something to read..

innntteeerreesssttiiinngg :P hehhehe

byerS!

I'm bringing nerdy back.

I am bedevilled by the fact that I am for all practical purposes taking as gospel "good karma".

Will never ever want to have a hunch of diddly cries.

Incapable without a tranqulizer gun.

Clamorring for a cinder block house abreast of blue.

And finally steering clear of prejudiced babble.

all of these just because one feels useless.


*i'm full of crap today.. i know...

anak ng tinola naman oh

masama na 'to. dalawang araw palang akong hindi umiinom hinahanap ko na ang alak. (kunwari yan ang issue - ang aking pagiging alcoholic, pero hindi) i don't give! Keep on Paksheting! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! tinatamad ako magtext ok????

@ roy: gwapo ka na ba?
@ rocky: nawala ka nung sabado??hinahanap ka nung babaeng nakacocktail dress
@ jayzon: magsasara na ang omaikhan bro . maawa ka naman
@ jussel: uuuy maayos na kotse nya..
@ raylene: salamat. dito na ako office. hehe panu kaya makakarating sau to?
@ miren: tulog ka nanaman?!!!
@ abz: musta candy?
@ bianca: dito ka na ba baguio?? ang tagal naman ampp.
@ steph: sorry d ako nakapunta binyag ni Arabella.
@ gave: sorry d ako nakapunta binyag ni Stacey.


scooters vacation fall hweheheh bakit kasi!!!!

put your shame face on! gawd....

How easy is to entrench oneself when everyone else breaks silence and says elseway?

I have proven, in a matter of 30 seconds, that even if your permanence is in fine feather and your constancy is surpassingly solid : THE OPINION OF THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WILL ALWAYS MATTER. Then your wall breaks and is replaced by a bubble of skepticism. And you know for a fact, the only fact that you are sure of, that it turned out to be a doltish compromise.

You cannot help but feel a torrent of pressure during those times that you are in the saddle of diversification. And as you grow older, you become ease with this torrent that you no longer feel the need to change. That you are better off just being you (Which is on all counts good). But "just being you" means you still grumble about thesame things for thesame accounts.

You're just older but not wiser.

And if you are lucky, you're a fat-cat. Moneyed and well-off.

Stop trying to change the world. Start changing yourself. Ü

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.- Aldous Huxley

The 2nd Hour

Goodbye to another temporal length of event as i remain buttoned up. As I yen so much to verse myself on WHY. Why the irony of silence when inside I have been clamorring for vicissitude, for permutation. A withdrawal from who I am to transition to who I REALLY am. (or who i want so much to be T_T)


I prevail upon smiles
and laughter
and giggles
and chuckles
and chortles blaring or inaudible.


My spirit blushes once again. I love You God. Please keep on doing this to me.

Bagtit ka talaga !

When I finally brought into being felicity, I felt slaphappy, dazed.

I am out of sorts. Notably below par and my conjecture on things are back to being glassy-eyed.

I'll retain. The supposed thin waters that I am.

Guilt Free Abby

my levelheadedness is reborn. YEY!


you are a manifestation of a bad idea. hehe. [way too harsh i know]


But i am not impassioned with anger. I love this feeling!


Thank you to everyone!

Sad. I am.

The formation of mental objects in my head is glassy-eyed.


They speak as if they can unravel who we are.


Who we are is not far-reaching. It is what we have that is.


I will love you no matter what.

[UN]Expected Random Event

THE SCENE: I am brainsick for you.

THE FACT: I am not your merriment, and so are my feelings.

NAGPAPARINIG

Ehem. I have a friend. He's full of animosity for his own heart. He feels like a woman, that decision after decision is pestilent. He feels that he is detrimental to everything that could be damaged around him and he can't help but to add insult to those that are already damaged. He wishes to be disengaged, completely. *trying to be a dandelion like me.weee !!! Ü* Then to be reborn with another identity. "Starting Fresh" i guess. I tell my friend to stop it, but he does not do it. My friend listens to me, yes he does, it's just that no matter how much he tries, he can't control being his "SELF". He can't help but do bad things. His face has a "bad grass" caption. And weird thing is he thinks he's the only one who sees it. He knows his bad, he thinks other people see him as bad,but from my point of view he isn't.

See, we are human. We can't be perfect. And that given, we must forgive ourselves during those temporal length of events that we feel we carried out life's bloopers. We are on earth, the earth is earthly, so we sin. Again cliche, you cannot please everybody. If you think people laugh at you, If you think your a joke, then smile. Blessed are you who make their asses laugh. Smile please smile. Do not mess up what you have now because of what you want to have. Relax.

Just when i thought I was on all counts substantial, the people I love made me feel impalpable. And in the best fashion : All..in..one..Hit.

the 3rd hour

when feelings are gone, you act like a passenger who destroys a plane's cockpit so you, too, can prove you can fly.

It has been known as "checkpoints" in your life that once you know something, after some time something or someone deviates that fact. How dare them? Yes. Oh yes. What right have they to take you away from your principles that you worked so hard on just to make them rock solid. Then one wash from the waves would grind them into grains of sand and mix them with other "washed away" beliefs. Then you feel like a pauper. Helpless. Nothing to feed on but what other people don't care about. You take what they don't need for you know that they won't care, and even if it has sufficed, you still are jealous of the things that they have that you know you can never get your hands on. And coming from me, the greatest sin is Envy. It gives birth to all the other sins. I don't know, that's how I see it. A goof's point of view. Fellow goofs, u get my point right? gyeah...

So if you would ask me now what all this is about. I'd have one answer which i wish will not be "washed by the waves" or be taken away by the people i love (*sigh*). I don't care. Yes bitches, Ze Queen of Apathy is back!

Mandatory Realization [friendship?]

if you were not as glitter-minded as you seem. maybe you would have passed as one of those who i can turn my back from.

no it might not be that thing that we call 'the body bliss'. as most of THESE are. for you an obeisance. please take it and don't say thanks.

you need not say sorry. you need not 'fish'. i was beginning to think of literally yanking out your heart when you said those. [sorry, oh so barbaric me XD]


Will things still be thesame? When I no longer ablaze whoever for whatever reason. (Credits to you on that note) And what if I was no longer mesmerized and spellbound? Which by the way I still am. but what if? Like what we say. Nothing will suffice.

And no matter how long this thing goes on. no matter how much people get involved. It will all boil down to "TIME WILL TELL"..


**i'm a cliche person. so sue me